Shops and shoppingThe end of Thanksgiving in America marks the start of a frenzied period of Christmas consumer action

Name: Shopping hell week.

Age: Mentioned first in 1960s Philadelphia.

Appearance: Two frazzled parents angrily tug-of-warring the world’s last Bratz doll for ever, in hell.

This had better not be about Christmas shopping. It’s still November, you idiot. Tell that to all the consumers of the world. They’re going to spend seven days from this Friday going absolutely bananas.

Right, the biggest shopping day of the year is coming up. Black Friday, yes!

Presumably it’s named Black Friday because a load of Americans always get trampled to death in the doorway of a Best Buy, and people wear black to their funerals. Actually it’s because that’s historically the day when retailers would start making a profit each year, you sicko.

But that’s still only one day. I thought that this was a whole week of unbridled spending. Hold your horses. The following Monday is Cyber Monday, where people descend upon their laptops and start feverishly buying every heavily discounted item on the internet.

That’s still only two days. Fine then, what about Sofa Sunday?

You’re stretching the premise a bit. No I’m not. Sofa Sunday is a real day, where everyone dresses up in impractical loungewear and goes shopping on their mobile devices. It’s apparently the busiest online shopping day of the year, with most purchases being made between 9pm and 11pm.

That’s still only three days. Fine then, the day after Cyber Monday is called Two-For-One Tuesday, and it’s where everyone rushes out and snaps up the best bogof deals. Then after that is Wobbly Wednesday, where people make towering sculptures of their loved ones using buckets of discount jelly.

You’re making that up. I know. You were getting on my nerves.

Is there anything we can do to stop all this rampant capitalism? Black Friday is also Buy Nothing Day, where people protest about consumerism by not making any purchases. Sometimes, Buy Nothing Day is even marked with a Zombie Walk, where people meet in a shopping centre and satirically stumble around all blank-faced.

Great, a Banksy flashmob. That sounds tedious. There’s no pleasing you today, is there?

Do say: “Finally, a chance to buy all my Christmas gifts at huge discounts.”

Don’t say: “When’s the day where we all buy satsumas and bits of coal for people?”

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