The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Strip N Slide

In season nine, we watched Vicki Gunvalson’s daughter Briana move away to Oklahoma and saw Vicki deride the state at every turn. So much so that Andy Cohen gave her the opportunity to address the disgruntled state at the reunion. Rather than make amends, she doubled down, saying: “Flat. Tornadoes. Not good food. Humid. Humid, frizzy hair. Um, boring.” All these years later, Oklahoma has finally made good with RHOC, now repped proudly by natives Jenn and Taylor, who have teamed up to “go all Oklahoma on your ass” at a moment’s notice.

This new duo, a match made in Juvéderm heaven, meet up to take their teenagers (via ferry?) to an amusement park. Yes, you heard that right; Taylor’s daughter Kennedy — once famously told there was no more private plane — is now 16 years old. Late to this little wharf get-together is Shannon, who arrives without her children but isn’t going to let Stella and Adeline’s busy schedules stop her from collecting a check.

It’s their first debrief since the napkin throw heard ’round the world, and poor Jenn can’t wrap her head around why things have gotten so bad with her good friend Tamra. Right when cameras went up too … huh, what a crazy coincidence! But there’s also the unseen third wheel in this conflict: a fabled second Heather. Heather Amin is a key player in the soap opera that’s been playing out at CUT Fitness, which was apparently Steamworks for blonde women, and according to Jenn, is the source of all the Ryan slander.

But why is she so invested? “I think Heather was in love with Ryan,” Jenn theorizes. “There’s no other reason a woman would be that concerned with another relationship.” But there are actually a lot of reasons for that, the biggest one of which is called being on Bravo. Just ask Brooks and his veneers.

Meanwhile, Tamra and Heather are also recounting the night while meandering around a gift shop. Small businesses across this nation are kept afloat by two things: Real Housewives needing a place to film and me buying something out of guilt because the cashier said hello when I walked in. For Heather’s part, she’s looking for a gift to bring to Emily’s pool party. Oh, right, Emily’s having a pool party, but it came up while Shane was getting his nostrils waxed, so I didn’t want to make you relive that.

Despite her actions at every turn, Tamra says that she ultimately wants to fix things between her, Jenn, and second Heather — so naturally, the best course of action is to bring Heather Amin as her plus-one to Emily’s pool party to ambush Jenn.

Watching Tamra go up against Jenn is like watching the Yankees play against a Little League team. Because Tamra isn’t just a veteran Housewife — she invented the medium. Real Housewives didn’t become the show we know today until Tamra Barney famously uttered the words, “Did you go to Bass Lake?” And that same Tamra is back this season, up against a doe-eyed freshman who’s still finding her footing in front of the cameras.

While all of this drama is going on, Gina is having her own little bottle episode. After being triggered by Jenn’s infidelity and getting called out by Heather for trauma-dumping on Travis, she’s trying to show us that things are actually great with her. Her entire big, blended family, including her ex-husband Matt and his new girlfriend, has a fun day in the park — presumably because the casita has state-mandated capacity limits. But the scene just makes Gina’s anger toward Jenn even weirder, considering she’s all good with Matt, and he’s the one who actually cheated on her.

Meanwhile, Emily’s found a new best friend in Tamra, who she meets up with at a dive bar straight out of Crappie Lake. Ordering champagne from a bar with bras hanging from the ceiling, the two toast to their new friendship and consummate it the best way they know how: talking shit. Apparently, they both heard some concerning gossip from Heather about Shannon’s relationship, and Tamra thinks it’s her responsibility to let Shannon know that Fancy Pants has been running her mouth.

But before we embark on that adventure, Tamra has one more box on her to-do list to check off: ambushing Jenn at the pool party. “I think you know Heather,” she says to a visibly exhausted Jenn as the pair saunter into the party. Despite this exhaustion, Jenn rises to the occasion and, in true Housewives fashion, pulls Heather Amin aside in hopes of finally squashing this beef.

But a very different conversation happens across the party, when Emily mentions in passing that she’s no stranger to making sex tapes with Shane, the idea of which jolts Heather and a fearful nation alike. Heather, despite her love for the camera, couldn’t fathom doing that herself — even if it meant getting a new credit for Heather Paige Kent’s IMDb. “I don’t even like watching myself on sitcoms,” she lies as if there isn’t at least one TV in that mansion that just plays her Malibu Country episode on a loop.

Speaking of loving the camera, upon seeing Jenn and second Heather having their one-on-one, the other women begin circling like vultures to a carcass on the side of Dorit’s vodka soda. One by one, each of them finds an excuse to join, squeezing onto the lounge chairs, peering over shoulders, and dragging furniture across the patio for a front-row seat.

With a full crowd now formed, Shannon has the good sense to finally shoo everyone away, leaving just Tamra and Jenn to resolve this issue. Tamra tells her that all she wants is for her to be honest about Ryan’s infidelity, even though it’s old news, and not brush it under the rug. Finally, after being poked and prodded, Jenn breaks down. But why was Tamra so adamant that Jenn be so raw and vulnerable? Probably because being apathetic doesn’t make for good TV, and making good TV is in Tamra’s DNA. In fact, this might be the best thing Tamra ever could have done for Jenn because it makes her a good Housewife. It’s like when John Lithgow protected Harry in Harry and the Hendersons by being mean to him.

With the work of the day done, it’s time to let loose, which means going topless on Emily’s adult slip ’n slide, which quickly becomes polluted with champagne and spray-tan fluid. Luckily Heather packed a full wetsuit to protect herself from the sludge, which is surely seeping into the water supply and turning the children of Newport orange.

But before this episode ends, Tamra’s got one more lunch on the books. “Sugar tits!” she yells as she struts into the restaurant. Could it be? Yes, it could. Something’s coming, something good. Vicki Gunvalson is back. As the two friends/soul mates/sisters embrace, production plays the sweet sound of the show’s original theme song, and all becomes right in the world.

Not only do we get to see the OG of the OC back on our screens — she even gets a confessional, where she fills us in on everything she’s been up to since she exited the show in a raging blaze of glory three years ago. Her son Michael’s in Pacific Beach, Briana’s in Illinois (having escaped the clutches of Oklahoma), and per usual, Vicki has a new man and an apparently full love tank.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get better, in comes Shannon, and the Tres Amigas are back. They throw back a tequila shot and Vicki grabs their hands in prayer, saying, “Lord, thank you for bringing us together again,” which is exactly what I said when I saw Vicki in the preview. She then asks Jesus to help them whoop it up again, and if there’s a god, I have faith that he’ll do just that.

After a cacophony of clinks, Vicki gagging at the thought of ceviche, a near nip-slip, and mention of crotchless panties, they try to catch Vicki up on the state of OC. She still couldn’t care less about Gina and Emily (who I’d like to see her try to pick out of a lineup), but she wants to know where everyone stands with Heather.

Shannon explains that they’re in a good place after a rocky year, and Tamra sees her opening. “Do you feel like she would ever repeat what you say in confidence?” she asks, and when Shannon says no, Tamra takes a theatrically suggestive sip of her drink. “Oh,” a suddenly concerned Shannon says. Vicki, basking in the warmth of Tamra’s familiar crossfire, watches on in gleeful horror, gasping and egging her on.

Shannon, apparently already aware of what this piece of damning information could be, makes a B-line straight to production, pleading her case that anything about her relationship can’t be aired. “My relationship is over if this is on the air,” she tells them as Tamra follows. We cut back to Vicki alone at the table. “And then there was one,” she says before a singular bark-like chuckle escapes her. These three women have done more in five minutes than some people do all season, and this lunch isn’t even over yet.

The Real Housewives of Orange County

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