We’re told to just look away. To walk on. To focus on the book we’re clutching, the music we’re listening to, the conversation we’re having with our friends as we try and avoid the threat that is staring us right in the face.
But when someone you don’t know – or at least, haven’t expressed any sexual or personal interest in – is staring suggestively at you in public, it can be hard to ignore, and even harder to feel safe in a public space.
According to recent data from the charity Rape Crisis in 2022, 798,000 women are raped or sexually assaulted every year. That's 1 in 30 women. So, probably at least one woman you know was raped or sexually assaulted in the last 12 months.
Women are told to ignore and accept so many elements of the patriarchy – and I’m here to tell you that unsolicited staring is one of them. This is due to the discomfort it creates, that we’re made to sit in, as well as the danger of future violence it can signify.
London mayor Sadiq Khan and Transport For London have started a conversation around what unwanted staring can mean with new posters on the Tube. They warn commuters that “intrusive staring of a sexual nature is sexual harassment and is not tolerated”.
Some have called these warnings “vague”, calling the mission of deciphering whether someone’s staring is “intrusive” too difficult to work out.
To argue this is to lack empathy and a basic understanding of what makes others feel unsafe. If someone is not returning a look, gesture or silent suggestion you might be making, if they look uncomfortable, it is your responsibility to remove yourself from this situation.
Sexual harassment doesn’t begin and end with words and attempted groping. It is a spectrum, like so many forms of abuse.
Just look at the trending #gymweirdos on TikTok, it has over 2m views of women covertly leaving their phones on record and then watching the resulting video to see who was staring at their behind while they were doing squats. There's thousands of videos showing men attempting to flirt with or pick up women who just want to get through their sets unbothered. Most of us have been hyper-vigilant about unwanted male attention at the gym - before it was more a feeling than a certainty, now it's become a way to catch perceived offenders and it's, quite honestly, painful to see.
Society may try and tell us that women should feel flattered by a man’s decision to stare or leer at them in public. It means you’re desirable, right? It means you’ve checked a box on the patriarchal list of what is required to be a woman. You should feel validated, accomplished, desired.
I’ve been made to feel incredibly uncomfortable by this reflection of the male gaze, when it’s shone back at me through lustful looks and suggestive eyes on the Tube when I’m alone. Through the eyes of a man twice my size standing a few yards from me while I wait to order at a bar. Through the eyes of someone walking too close to me as I walk home.
Just like when I’ve been catcalled or groped in a bar, being stared at suggestively or threateningly in public has made me feel dirty, naked – like I’ve done something wrong by merely existing. It makes me question myself – the way I look, the way I hold myself, the way I live. It makes me feel unsafe.
To discourage accountability for sexual harassment – and yes, I shall stress again, intrusive staring with sexual intent counts as such – is to take even more power from women and other vulnerable groups as they try to make their way through daily life.
Sexual harassment is defined by Rape Crisis England & Wales as “unwanted sexual behaviour that makes someone feel upset, scared, offended or humiliated”. Staring, leering or suggestive looks are all considered as examples of sexual harassment.
Sexual harassment doesn’t begin and end with words and attempted groping. It is a spectrum, like so many forms of abuse.
Further to this, the organisation states that the person being subjected to this behaviour should be the one defining what is happening to them, but it seems others are looking to take it into their own hands.
We saw this within a different public discussion of sexual harassment when it was announced earlier last year that cyberflashing – sending an unsolicited sexual image to somebody digitally, over Airdrop or WhatsApp for instance – is set to become a criminal offence. Some have criticised this development, questioning if it should be made illegal.
One critic posted on Twitter: “Have the people behind the Online Harms Bill never been on dating apps? People sending pics of their bits without asking first is grim, but to be made illegal? Really?”
What critics miss when questioning the seriousness of issues like cyberflashing and unsolicited (and threatening) staring in public is that sexual harassment is not limited to catcalling in the street through words, and groping in bars. If an action isn't asked for and causes someone considerable distress, why shouldn't it be punishable?
To deny facets of sexual harassment like this their significance is – like so many elements of the patriarchy – putting the responsibility on the vulnerable, and potential victims, to do the work of explaining and distinguishing inappropriate behaviour, instead of those who are actually performing said behaviour.
It signifies a lack of empathy at other people’s discomfort and their boundaries.
We shouldn't have to wait for voices to be raised or for bodies to be groped before we take action. To be told to accept this kind of behaviour is to give potential abusers – or at the least complete strangers – unwanted access, a claim to your safety and security that they do not deserve.
Although certain “casual” actions may appear to be vague, ambiguous or unworthy of criminal charges to those in a position of male privilege and power, they could be the deciding factor for whether someone more vulnerable feels safe. It's time for us all to stare this threat full in the face.
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